We’re already on bout 6 of the eighth season of Vanderpump Rules, which means we only have about 14 weeks to go.* Pops a Xanax*( don’t worry guys, I am legally prescribed ). I don’t know why I make love to myself year after year, but at this degree, I’ve committed to a consistent season of Vanderpump Rules longer than I’ve had any relationship in New York. But it’s fine, I’m fine! Maybe I’ll start adding that to my dating app sketches; things can’t circulate any worse for me at this point.
Anyway, you all know what time it is: Pride time! In past years, SUR Pride has brought us Scheana’s ear-splitting excuse for singing, James’s body-shaming, and lots of back-alley communications. Can’t wait to see what this year will bring!
The episode opens with Schwartz saying “I have so much laundry debt, I need a counselor.” Normally I wouldn’t even bother making a note about the opening cycles because they’re total throwaways, but I cannot let this move: what is laundry debt? You mean you have laundry to do? Do you like, owe piles of laundry( or coin) to a laundry shark who is now holding your clothes hostage? I can’t tell if I dislike that term or I enjoy it so much I’m going to start using it every week.
While that will go mainly unresolved unless Schwartz somehow speaks these recaps and decides to clarify, Sandoval comes over, brandishing rainbow bedazzled motorcycle furs and sneakers for Pride, and I cannot decide if he had these specially made for Pride or only had them lying around. Both possibles would track equally.
James is the ticking time bomb that everyone suspicions is going to go off during his DJing stint at TomTom during Pride.( Can’t imagine why, probably because you’re letting an alcoholic DJ on one of the busiest and least supervised periods of the year ?) Sandoval( and everybody else) “re going to have to” make it looks a lot like James only has this incredible DJ presence and he has this great energy that makes people buy beverages, and while I respect the artistry of DJing, James is not exactly the next Tiesto because he sheds a duo hip-hop vocals together and calls “PUMPTINIIII” into the mic. Really, they all have to profess like James is a melodic geniu because they can’t time state the obvious, which is that parties come to see James because he is on TV and people are thirsty.
Elsewhere at Lisa’s house, Scheana, Raquel, and Danica are over for some reason. What a smorgasbord crew. By the behavior, roars out to the Bravo editors, who are truly working harder than the devil this season by showing video montages of everyone’s lies and bullsh* t. This time, after Scheana insists that Max is her “best friend”, they show a montage( that probably could have been longer than the Oscars tbh) of Scheana insisting whichever slampiece of the moment was her “best friend.” Immediately after, they evidence Scheana, edited to make it look like she is talking to herself, spiraling into hysterics trying to insist that she’s not apprehensive of Dayna. I have no choice but to stan.
Scheana demands in her talking head, “clearly I am not anxious of Dayna, ” and I’ve got to wonder how it is supposedly clear to Scheana, because it’s not clear to any of us. In actuality, the exact opposite is clear.
Raquel expends this moment to bring up the fact that Dayna will be going her “hairs-breadth” done with Raquel’s stylist the next day. Raquel, read the area. Scheana continues to go on and on about how she’s NOT JEALOUS OF DAYNA and everyone else is so over it at this point that they’re frankly texting at the table. Same tho. Scheana, if you can’t handle getting a blowout in the same vicinity as this girl, then you DO have a resentment problem.
Ariana comes over, and Lisa invites her if she’s still feeling depressed. Lisa then opens up about the depression she felt after her brother’s suicide, and it’s overall a great moment for mental health awareness. However. Ariana describes a moment she had where she was driving her vehicle on the road and thought to herself “what if I really drove my auto off the road? ” and I feel compelled to point out that those are announced obtrusive thoughts and are pretty normal. Anyone who’s ever had a flash of thought about punting the babe next to them across the street knows what I’m talking about! Anyway. All in all, though, I’m here for this mental health awareness moment and I will physically campaign anyone who requests Ariana negative or a downer. SHE IS DOING HER BEST! WE MUST PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS. And being open about your struggles doesn’t originate you a “downer”. K I’m done.
Okay, so Lala, Stassi, and Brittany are hanging out and basically talking about Pride. I likewise have to commend Stassi for pointing out that James being hired is ridiculous; they LITERALLY LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, where every random person on wall street probably “is a DJ”( has a Soundcloud accounting) and they don’t need to rely on the human embodiment of Russian Roulette that is James Kennedy. And while that may be true, again, every random DJ on the street is not a throw representative on this present who can guarantee hundreds of followers will be displayed( though I’m sure they’d are keen to ).
It is at this time that I must acknowledge to you all my conflicted feelings about James. Yes, he says gross things to women. Yes, he seems to be treating Raquel very badly( more on this momentarily ). But likewise, he is f* cking exhilarating. Case in level: freedom after the Fofty/ Randall clashed sounded’ round the nations of the world, he affixed a caption on Instagram referencing Fofty’s atrocious “money by Monday” threat. Misogynist or not, alcoholic or not, this is plain amusing, and in a sense I respect that James is the only person who is not going to suck Lala’s figurative cock only to ensure he can get journeys on Randall’s private airplane. Of track, Lala didn’t appreciate this one bit, which is why she and James stopped talking. I’m sorry, but this was national news , not some fringe internet squabble. It’s f* cking fair game. If Fifty Cent ever peril me publicly, I would allow–nay, expect–my friends to acquire jokes about it until the end of meter( and even in the afterlife when we’re all chilling in Hell ).
The next morning, Dayna leaves Max’s apartment and “re going to have to”( gasp) cannon curl her own hair because Scheana took her blot with Raquel’s hairstylist, aka Scheana probably shed a accommodate and refused to be in the same vicinity as Dayna. I wish I could make credit for this epic feeling, but is she 34 or 16?
Over at SUR, the issue is down a bartender, and Jax is throwing a fit. Good thing this isn’t happening at TomTom, otherwise Sandoval would personally burn the entire place down and prohibition everyone’s spirits from ever placing foot in the creation to haunt it. Jax is also refusing to help set up because he says “I don’t do that.” Truly, he’s just jealous that he doesn’t get to be on the float and the other waitstaff does, because in Jax Taylor’s world, he is the number one guy in the group and HE should be the one on the float, dammit!
Ariana appreciation post# 2 for this being her first Pride as an out bisexual lady. Again, we must protect her at all costs.
And the honorary Oscar for Best Editing once again goes to the producers for so expertly uncovering how Jax is completely full of sh* t, claiming he doesn’t find Dayna hot, when in reality, he knows Brittany would draw a Lorena Bobbitt on him if he so much as got caught on camera breathing in her direction with intent. He claims he doesn’t like blondes, so naturally all the Bravo makes have to do is splice together all the footage of every time Jax dated a blonde. It’s enough times to constitute a pattern. The only missed possibility is them not reshowing how Jax blatantly hit on Lala when she first emerged on this establish, because as much as they are happy to pretend otherwise, we all know something happened.
Beau somehow manages to show up to Pride looking like a heterosexual Southern dad, and I think there’s something to be said for that. Lala, meanwhile, looks like a Kylie Jenner knockoff with her cheek fillers and light-green wig.
Feb 11, 2020 at 7:08 pm PST